Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
