Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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