The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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