listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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