I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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