My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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