I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
