Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
