Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
