my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
