So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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