Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
