my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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