I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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