i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
