I hate all girls vehemently.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
