just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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