I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
