WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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