There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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