I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
