he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
