my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
