you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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