I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
