Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In other news, I just burned my penis
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
