ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
