Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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