don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
