as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
BRING THE BAGELS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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