That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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