you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
