is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
