He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize