so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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