Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
