haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
