3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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