i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
