First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
