I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
