Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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