Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
