I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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