I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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