He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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