sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
