textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
