It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
