If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
