i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
