my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You smell like stripper and shame
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
where does the pee come out of this thing
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
