when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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