I hope mine doesn't look like that
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
