At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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